When Was The Last Time You Talked To Your Loved Ones About Death?

Haruki Murakami once said:  “Death is not the opposite of life, but a part of it”.

When was the last time you raised this subject with your loved ones? Let’s be honest, it is a sad topic that reminds us of our lost and sometimes your own death which you don’t want to talk about. Don’t get me wrong, it could be more painful to talk about it while on your death bed and it is not quite a good idea to only discuss it when there’s a terminal illness. Today in this post, I want to share with you some examples of why we fear this topic and how can we start the conversation.

Sometimes, we already plan out the way our life supposed to be; for instance, births, graduation, homeownership, marriage, kids, then death. However, any of these examples can be done in a different order. This is why I think death is an important conversation and should not only be discussed  after you accomplish your graduation or retirement milestones.  Now, prior to giving you the tips on how you may start the conversation; I will share some of the reasons for why people are afraid of this topic.

First of all, it is the fear of loss or your own death: It reminds us of dying and losing the people we cherish the most.  Second is the fear of accomplishment; we are always giving ourselves a pep-talk on how we can’t be dead any time soon because we have not accomplished our goals; unfortunately, we don’t have that power.

Thirdly, we think that in case of sickness; there always will be well-trained healthcare professionals to fix us. I tell you, my friend, as a healthcare professional myself that’s not true.  When a family member is admitted to the hospital, having an advance directive, wishes or agreement with family members could make everybody’s life a bit easier. In my opinion, someone’s wishes should also be respected because at some point, the spouse may want to honor your wishes and the parents don’t want to (it could be the other way around) causing a constant fight. For instance, If I am suffering and I told you to let me go; I know it’s hard but please let me go.

Lastly is being in denial: denying the reality of a situation.  We block out the event in our head because of shock and emotion which is normal, and it may take a while before getting to the acceptance stage. I will gladly create another post on the different stages of grief later on.

You are now aware of the reasons why people are avoiding this topic; let’s talk about on ways to start the conversation. The fact that it is a touchy subject and brings back old memories causing more isolation and loneliness; I encourage you to try indirect or leading questions. Indirect questions are very polite and start with words like could, can, if, perhaps etc.  Example of an indirect question: Can you tell me what we should do if this or that happens? Compared to a direct question: What should we do? A leading question, on the other hand, can get you some false information as well as desirable one but in general, it opens to more conversation, makes you aware of someone’s feeling etc. Moreover, a leading question can include hints such as: ‘If you become ill, what medical decisions you want me to take?’ or ‘If you are really ill, what wishes you want me to honor?’ or ‘Have you thought about what you want for your funeral?’ ; that will definitely open a conversation and hopefully a truthful one.

Overall, we can find a number of reasons on how death affects old wounds and shouldn’t be talked about. Nevertheless, the earlier you start the conversation the better. This topic, in my opinion, should bring us closer to family, partners, and friends because our days are numbered. When you know and embrace that, you devote your time, love and energy to the people you love. Also, wouldn’t it be less hectic and nice in a way to know your loved one’s wishes? Please let us know

Video by Zdogg