When Was The Last Time You Talked To Your Loved Ones About Death?
Haruki Murakami once said: “Death is not the opposite of life, but a part of it”.
When was the last time you raised this subject with your loved ones? Let’s be honest, it is a sad topic that reminds us of our lost and sometimes your own death which you don’t want to talk about. Don’t get me wrong, it could be more painful to talk about it while on your death bed and it is not quite a good idea to only discuss it when there’s a terminal illness. Today in this post, I want to share with you some examples of why we fear this topic and how can we start the conversation.
Sometimes, we already plan out the way our life supposed to be; for instance, births, graduation, homeownership, marriage, kids, then death. However, any of these examples can be done in a different order. This is why I think death is an important conversation and should not only be discussed after you accomplish your graduation or retirement milestones. Now, prior to giving you the tips on how you may start the conversation; I will share some of the reasons for why people are afraid of this topic.
First of all, it is the fear of loss or your own death: It reminds us of dying and losing the people we cherish the most. Second is the fear of accomplishment; we are always giving ourselves a pep-talk on how we can’t be dead any time soon because we have not accomplished our goals; unfortunately, we don’t have that power.
Thirdly, we think that in case of sickness; there always will be well-trained healthcare professionals to fix us. I tell you, my friend, as a healthcare professional myself that’s not true. When a family member is admitted to the hospital, having an advance directive, wishes or agreement with family members could make everybody’s life a bit easier. In my opinion, someone’s wishes should also be respected because at some point, the spouse may want to honor your wishes and the parents don’t want to (it could be the other way around) causing a constant fight. For instance, If I am suffering and I told you to let me go; I know it’s hard but please let me go.
Lastly is being in denial: denying the reality of a situation. We block out the event in our head because of shock and emotion which is normal, and it may take a while before getting to the acceptance stage. I will gladly create another post on the different stages of grief later on.
You are now aware of the reasons why people are avoiding this topic; let’s talk about on ways to start the conversation. The fact that it is a touchy subject and brings back old memories causing more isolation and loneliness; I encourage you to try indirect or leading questions. Indirect questions are very polite and start with words like could, can, if, perhaps etc. Example of an indirect question: Can you tell me what we should do if this or that happens? Compared to a direct question: What should we do? A leading question, on the other hand, can get you some false information as well as desirable one but in general, it opens to more conversation, makes you aware of someone’s feeling etc. Moreover, a leading question can include hints such as: ‘If you become ill, what medical decisions you want me to take?’ or ‘If you are really ill, what wishes you want me to honor?’ or ‘Have you thought about what you want for your funeral?’ ; that will definitely open a conversation and hopefully a truthful one.
Overall, we can find a number of reasons on how death affects old wounds and shouldn’t be talked about. Nevertheless, the earlier you start the conversation the better. This topic, in my opinion, should bring us closer to family, partners, and friends because our days are numbered. When you know and embrace that, you devote your time, love and energy to the people you love. Also, wouldn’t it be less hectic and nice in a way to know your loved one’s wishes? Please let us know
Video by Zdogg
This topic definitely makes me anxious! But I talk about it anyway. I think it’s really important topic. Thank you for talking about this, I hope this will be seen by many people! 💗
Hey Monica. Thanks for sharing your thought beautiful. It is 😣😣. Specially sharing the information with someone who experienced lost and never healed. But when we are in a bad place , it is a good thing to know that someone will honor your wishes 🤗❤❤ Xoxo
I had the conversation with my parents as soon as I turned 18. I have a younger brother and sister, and it was their wishes that should anything happen to both of them that I take care of my siblings until they reached adulthood. I know what to do in the event I have to make medical decisions, and how they want their body to be taken care of once they die. It was a hard conversation, but one I am grateful for because if something does happen, I don’t have to wonder about the answers to these questions. I already know them. Thank you for sharing!
Exactly. I share almost the same story. I have two younger brothers and the youngest about to be 15 and I am the legal gardian. Life is so short and things happen when you least expected. Thanks for stopping by lovely
This is not an easy topic to discuss but definitely worth it to have the conversation. Thanks for sharing!
What a powerful and important topic! Thanks for writing and sharing your thoughts – you’ve definitely given me the incentive to sit down and have a chat with my own loved ones!
Thanks for stopping by my dear. It is necessary because we want to know how to celebrate the life of our loved ones when they’re gone❤❤
Death is weirdly enough something I talk about frequently, I want my funeral to be a celebration of my life, instead of a sad event to mark its ending. Great read!
This is a difficult topic for me to speak about but I absolutely agree that it’s so important. Thank you for sharing. This post has given me encouragement to speak about it more with my family.
It’s hard to think and talk about, but it is important to feel that your wishes are relayed to your loved ones.
I struggle more with talking about death now than I did before losing my mother 10 years ago, but now appreciate the importance of these conversations more.
Hi, Shanna so sorry for your lost. As painful as it is; it is part of life, unfortunately. Glad you are embracing the conversation again.
I am definitely extremely anxious about the topic of death but you are right. You shouldn’t try to avoid something that’s so natural and inevitable no matter how difficult it is to talk about 🙂
I really don’t like talking about death and it’s the same in my family. The minute someone brings up death the conversation goes dead but I believe it should be something that is talked about.
death has always been weirdly an easy topic between me and my husband. he knows what i want for my funeral and i know what he wants. death is inevitable and we should be ready at least with what we want 😉
Way to go Angel. This is great that no one will be scratching head when it happens
Honestly, this is a nice and important topic but it is really hard topic to discuss with your love ones. If I do that I am sure I will get emotional.
It is important and that’s ok to get emotional too. But one thing for sure when your loved ones can no longer make decisions, you sure will know how to honor their wishes.
This is such a difficult but necessary topic. So often we allow our own personal fears to get in the way of having clear communication.
I have fear f death so as much as possible I don’t want to open up this topic to my family.
I don’t want to talk about death. This is something that I don’t want to think about.
ooooh i get really bad anxiety about this. i’m so sorry for the pain you’ve experienced. x
Very important topic but absolutely hate talking about it. Don’t want to think about all the people I love dying someday…
My Mom will be 96 on 11/25. She has been talking to me about death for quite a while now. She definitely has all her ducks in a row which I am glad about–but the reality is-she is in pretty good health-I know it is coming–but I am not quite ready
I’m glad she did. You know it’s something we are never ready for, but i am sure you know all her wishes